Cougar Nights

So a few weeks ago me and a bunch of friends went out and partied our faces off, and as per usual I ended up getting messed up. So what does one do after a full night of partying? With all that booze in your system, you're almost expected to wake up with a nuclear hangover. The answer is simple. You go out and eat some greasy ass Chinese food so that it soaks up all the alcohol (or forces you to puke!) so that you feel like a million bucks in the morning! ....or something....

Back to the original title of the story, we were sitting at a Chinese restaurant and I was right boozed at this point and I was drinking Special Tea (Beer in a tea pot because the restaurant doesn't want to get in trouble for having open beer on the tables! Pure genius for people who still want to drink such as myself!) when I notice that these two girls and two guys come into the restaurant and one of them happen to be one of my friends friends so they sit at a table somewhat close to us. So we're sitting there minding our own business when all of a sudden they start hollering at us to join our tables together so we can all sit down and eat together. So me being intoxicated quite a bit, I agree on it. One thing struck me as odd though, the two guys seemed to be pretty young whereas their female counter parts were significantly older at this point.

So naturally I had to ask the question.
"So what brings the four of you guys out tonight? What did you guys do tonight?"
The woman to my right immediately responds while looking straight ahead of her to the boy
"Oh well we went partying tonight with my son!"

Wow... I don't think I've heard of anything stranger than that in my entire life. Mainly because I probably would never have partied with my parents before, because I'd never want them to see me in the state of mind that I usually like to get into. I think most kids would have the same mentality as me, but I guess this was a bit different for these two. In all honesty, who would want to party with their mom????

So at this point I'm thinking to myself "Oh my dear lord, what am I getting myself into right now? This night can't POSSIBLY get any stranger or uncomfortable."

Wow did I prove myself wrong... There were a few memorable moments in this story and I'll share them with you right away...

Tattoos
So we're all sitting there talking about basically nothing and then tattoo's come across our conversation. So the woman to my right's friend said that I look like someone who has a tattoo. I smiled declined and said that I didn't have any. Then she stands up and says, "I have a tattoo! Would you like to see???". First instincts when someone asks you to see their tattoo, you say yes thinking, oh it'll probably be on her back or her arm or some where. Nope, because it's me and how I always seem to attract weirdos because I can blog about something like this. This woman stands up in the middle of the restaurant, with a lot of people staring because it's already a loud enough table to begin with, and then whips her pants down to reveal that she had some Chinese caligraphy tattoo's right on her ass. Great. I basically never want to eat Chinese food after seeing that.

Pets
So one of our friends has a dog and we were talking about the dog and its name, and we already knew this night was strange enough. So the woman with the tattoo blurts out
"Oh I have a pet too! I have a bald cat!"
My friend at this moment thrives on weird stuff and immediately responds with this
"Hold on time out. You have a bald cat. A bald pussy. A bald vagina. I'd like to see your bald vagina."
And at this point he immediately bursts out into laughter and I couldn't feel more uncomfortable at this point. I'm sitting at a table with a mother partying with her son and a woman with a Chinese tattoo on her ass with a bald vagina. Wow... Add this one to the books of oddities...

Food
So our food has been sitting on the table for quite some time now and we've basically all finished eating. Suddenly the woman to my right starts talking to me about food and how great Chinese food is (or least I think this is what she's talking about, because I was pretty inebriated at this point of the night trying to drink my memories away so I would forget this night) and asks me this question.
Her - "Hey, do you like shrimp?"
Me - "Yeah shrimps alright I guess."
Her - "Well you have to try this shrimp, it's really tasty!"
At this point, she grabs her chopsticks, picks up some shrimps and starts feeding me in front of her son. Wow.... It's like her being a new mom again with a kid... except for I'm an adult and feeding me can only really lead to one thing.... Oh wait! I have my morals! I don't want this kid who's probably only like 2 years younger than me calling me Dad. You know because I'm kind of a douche bag too, if her son wasn't there. I probably would have done something I would have regret for sure haha.

Working out
Well this night is turning out to be one of the most uncomfortable nights of my life. There isn't ANYTHING that can make this night more uncomfortable than it already is. Oh wait. There's a new section called working out and it's at the bottom of the list so this topic HAS to be a funny one (or something). So I'm a pretty big guy and I love working out. It really is one of my passions in life. So the woman to my right starts to feel my arms and said that I have very nice arms and chest! So I blush and I'm trying to be modest about my body and it's not that great, when suddenly my friend yells out "Do that thing with your chest!"
Basically this thing I do with my chest is I can make my chest move like it's the "Can Can" and people are hypnotized by my chests movement. So I show everyone that I can move my chest. "Yay, look at it go, it's as mesmerizing as a hypnotist waving a watch in front of you back and forth".
So the girl with the bald vagina and tattoo's said "I want to try this too! Everyone look at me!"
Nothing.
So the girl to my right with the son sitting across the table said "I'm going to try too!"
At this point, my friend catches her son staring ever so closely at her mom's breasts and then yells out "Hey Kid! Stop staring at your moms tits! That's gross man!"
That literally made my night. Seeing the look of embarassment on both of their faces was enough for me to call it a night and go home.

In all honesty, the woman to my right was damn hot. I'm sure if she was 20 years younger I would have gone for the gold for sure. In fact, I was probably drunk enough that I probably would have gone for the gold if her son wasn't there. If those who read this want to see pictures, I'll show you but for the sake of their privacy, I'm not going to post pictures of them up on the internet because I'm still an upstanding young gentlemen despite what people say.

PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!